His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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