I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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