He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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