I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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