I can text with my tongue
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
