Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
