dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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