dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
