get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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