I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
