I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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