sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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