I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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