Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
