She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
