i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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