Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
