he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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