I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
