Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
