Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
