are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize