Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
