I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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