I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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