you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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