how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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