You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
