She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
