im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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