I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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