You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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