Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
