I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
