im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
