I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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