i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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