Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
