I hate all girls vehemently.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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