I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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