I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
