i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
