Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
