ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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