Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
