man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
