You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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