I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
