so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
