I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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