Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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