you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
