he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
