Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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