I cannot find my penis.
I'm passing your future prison.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize