He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
