I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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