but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
