I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
