Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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