dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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