Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize