So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
