My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
