He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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